cryptic post

stuck....rains....computer shut down....no reservations....postponement.....another weekend....delay....more time.....more confusions......inevitable......patience.

its a marshmallow thing...

y this? y this now? theres this fkn wave of depression…no. waves n waves of it…for the last fkn 3 hours…like somethings come over me…in a flash…feels like a free fall…and i’m groping for smth to hold on to….how long?

cant just stay idle. start to think. thaz wen the scary part begins.

i’ve heard good n bad things abt the UK….how they are…but that aint wats worrying me….its abt losing ppl arnd me…boy this comfort zone…i’m scared to think that i’m scared abt it….how many levels of loneliness left to explore? is there something else i hate with more passion?

phoenix has made me wiser…..burgess hill is still a month away….the fkn mind cant stop thinking in the future…..watever happened to the live in the present moment doctrine? i can still remember it, y cant i fkn put it into action? or thought? fkn games.

saddest thing is this fkn sulk i go into. like i fkn don’t care abt the rest of da world…how much more selfish? count your blessings? no time for that now.

and NO, ODing on Corona aint an option….and NO, “indian-style kamasutra sex” aint a fkn option either….(sorry isha, n the rest of the world)

who said this before me?

"Masquerading as a normal person, day in and day out, is an exhausting thing..."

-idontknowwho

Sunset in Sedona 

cant wait...

1220 on a Monday afternoon and there is zilch to do at office. ah, the luxury of having transitioned everything off to someone else. how many good things can an impending vacation bring? even the thoughts of it bring me a smile. one month of bliss. sheer joy. indulgence. no thoughts of work. no daily routine. no waking up early. no conference calls. no unwanted emotional rushes(atleast the hope)!!! pure escape. and the pampering. it all is truly mouthwatering. cant wait to hop on that plane. cant wait to get out. cant wait.

revolutions around the sun...

...26.
27...

not book...

i used to read. lots. i used to love reading. all kinds of stuff. fiction. psychology. philosophy. spirituality. physics. good. bad. trash. then i got my notebook. i love my notebook. then i got hooked on to my notebook. then i started spending hours on end hooked to the net. listening to songs, but hooked to the net. on my notebook. the books lay on the side, looking at me typing fervently on my notebook. almost a pleading look, begging to be picked up. can feel it. almost. but then theres the notebook. and there are all these ppl i meet. and the things they write. and say. interesting things. rubbish trash. confused minds. enlightened souls. important thoughts. vomits. prose. poetry. colours. life. its all so rivetting. werz all the time? the books just look on. one day they will be picked up again. atleast that is what they think.

blog from nowhere

why do i revolt against valentine's days?

one thing’s sure, its not because i care less for love. being loved is the single most beautiful feeling there is. and if you ask me, there aint nothing more instinctive as it.

do we really need a cue to celebrate it? or more specifically, do we need a day to celebrate it? a day for love? isn’t love something to be celebrated with every breath? something that keeps us alive, something that makes us smile, something to live for? what makes us love someone more on valentines day? does the notion make sense at all?

the hype and sugar around this day is nauseating. i could die of diabetes if i went thru another valentines day. y such gripe? maybe coz i cant stand the thought of love getting trivialized. and commoditized. come valentines day and you suddenly rush to find ways to “love”? wtf?

how are we affected by valentines day? or should the question be rephrased to how are we affected by someones reactions to valentines day? do we feel compelled to act the way they do? what does it give? how do i get convinced that i need to do something extra on valentines day? how long will the val day hang-over last? cant any other day bring happiness, a smile? deep down, aint it an act of desperation, one of escapism?

do i need to be a sage or something? neah, i need to sleep. start the barrage guys n gals, my guards are down.

unwanted emotional rush...

jealousy. it burns my heart. though i don’t really have a reason. can’t stand it. feeling unwanted and left out right now. and this is going to get worse this week. ohh god, where’s that flush knob? :’-(

btw, i’ve become this HUGE fan of Google Earth.

my experiments with truth...

i need the release. so here goes…

1. i am sure nobody will want enough to read thru 50 random truths about me.
2. i care more for emotional health. and i am afraid mine is not in a very beautiful state.
3 i am already conscious about starting every sentence with ‘i’, which i loathe most of the times. this post will be an exception, and i aint going to worry about it no more.
4. i feel lonely and frustrated right now, but something inside me whispers its gonna be alrite.
5. sometimes i feel that staying happy is all i care for, but then there are way too many strings attached to that. way more than i care to admit.
6. i can never be overtly selfish, no matter what good it will do to me. i always stop for a moment to think about consequences to others.
7. when something troubles me, i go into my shell, thinking about it over and over again. its hard for me to open up to others easily.
8. every time i want to find an answer, i reach it. well, almost every time.
9. i believe that there is god within me. within everyone.
10. after i bought my notebook, i haven’t been reading as much as i wud want to. and i hate that.
11. i haven’t found the one passion that i am willing to die for. maybe love is, but i don’t know yet. it should, but is not bothering me yet.
12. it’s a secret ambition of mine to publish a book on life, my view of its many magical aspects. i am sure i’ll get to it sometime.
13. spirituality and quantum physics interest me equally.
14. i feel sick about homosexuality. it’s a prejudice, but there it is, out in the open.i wouldn’t hate gays, i guess i just hate the idea. maybe i need to understand love more.
15. my friends say i am the laziest they have ever met, but i haven’t agreed to it yet.
16. home is where the heart is.
17. i love my brother more than anything else in this world.
18. i give only 50-60% at work. i still get lauded on most of the things i do at work.
19. i cant live without listening to music. call me a fool, but i’ve cried listening to songs.
20. beer could so easily be added to #19 above. i hate hard liquor.
21. being in love was the most blissful feeling i have experienced. falling out of love the most painful. even traumatic.
22. i keep trying to forget about what my ex did to me, but i fail miserably. every time.
23. i am still grateful to her for the good times, but can never forgive her for what she did. very unlike me, but it’s the truth.
24. i have a penchant for branded stuff.
25. i get turned on by tall females, females in red, females with long hair, females who smell good.
26. my friends tell me the easiest way to my heart is through my stomach, which could not be true.
27. i hate to lie. to anyone.
28. i have a monumental dislike for cigarettes.
29. i feel i’ve been very lucky in my life. and i’m grateful for that.
30. i think i think. too much. i’m not an impulsive person, but no regrets.
31. i’m so looking forward to my one month vacation in august. cant wait to be back home.
32. i feel happiest while shopping for the small ones in the family. i’m just 26 but missing childhood already. maybe i am growing up too fast.
33. i’d hate to live in a crazily paced city like ny or mumbai.
34. i think guilt is a very painful and cheap thing. sometimes i wish there was a ‘flush’ knob on the head which would just clear out all the nasty stuff.
35. sometimes i think i’ve erred with my cousin. but then, she was equally responsible. cant get it off though.
36. i firmly believe everything happens for a good reason. maybe that is my last straw of hope?
37. i used to have ambivalence about my religious beliefs. now i am more comfortable about it.
38. i believe that politics is a necessary evil. there is no getting around it.
39. my family and close friends sometimes make me feel like a hero. and i am not complaining.
40. i worry too much about my receding (or shud i say vanishing) hairline.
41. i know that it would not matter if its an arranged marriage or a love marriage, as long as you get to know the other person well enough.
42. i still have a burning desire to complete my masters in business administration.
43. i sometimes refer to vegetarian food as ‘grass’, though i don’t hate it.
44. i don’t care a lot about what people think about what i say or do.
45. i cant dance.
46. i learn languages fast. i’ve learned to read and write two languages on my own, by looking at hoardings and posters.
47. i hate coding, but i am a software project manager. i am good at my job.
48. i am very intuitive, which i am grateful for.
49. when i read that listing 50 things about myself will have a therapeutic effect, i was not very sure. i feel much better now.
50. there is nothing like love.

what i am afraid of...

Where’s all the time? What’s this incessant rumble in my head which I strain to understand? There is something troubling me, and I don’t even seem to care. Now that’s a first. And that’s scary. Maybe the reason why I decided to stay at bay from office today. Just to get some things straight with myself? Yes, that’s what I need, some time to myself.

Think deep enough, and I always reach the answer. Take a second and maybe a third look, and the cloud around the rumble clears a bit. Now it looks more like a gripe, a stubborn protest. The twisted mind has found another instance to remind me that I still crave for love and attention. Badly. Like I’ve never craved for anything before. I just need somebody to pamper me, spoil me with love and all the voices will settle down. I’ll be able to smile again.

Finding love was difficult the first time, even more so now. But then, maybe I am not looking? Have I forgotten how? What am I afraid of?