one to add to the flavour.

"Is sloppiness in speech caused by ignorance or apathy? I don't know and I don't care."

the tussle.

sometimes you have no choice. rather sometimes you fail to acknowledge choices. there is this one outcome that you are prepared to accept. and that is it. its more like being in a trance. like you feel bewitched. possessed by this strong urge to tread the road lesser taken. even if it might lead to vulnerability and eventually a disastrous heartbreak. even if something inside tells you its foreordained. an irrevocable outcome, that you fight, mostly in vain. because somewer deep deep inside, you knew. it wouldnt work. or maybe there aint that level of confidence. that knowledge. which has nothing to with intrepidity of course, which is aplenty. but you wouldnt let go. you dont want to concede to yourself that its over. you drag it. painful by painful day. you question yourself. what if. what if you are wrong? aint love enough? wouldnt everything else fall in place? shouldnt they? but then theres that flicker of a doubt. which is the real culprit. rather the only one. so the tussle continues...

whottaquote!

" If It Is To Be, It Is Up To Me "

the dilemma...

i have decided to be happy again. dunno from when.

more rants.

office. work. schedule. routine. early mornings. microwave tea. the gang. working from home. tennis. corona. scrambled eggs. burgers. calorie consciousness. conference calls. 'hi,this is ******* joining the call'. 'how is it going?' frustration. loneliness. depression. same.

home. getting pampered. in bed till 11. being abzoluutely lazy. crappy hairstyle. all the yummy food. 'halahalohala'. 'aliya enthaa paripaadi'. happiness. being content. smile. people around me. different.

dont be that way...

somethings just dont go away. but then the real question is whether you really want them to. i guess most of the times, what you really want affects the actual outcome. what you really want deep inside. even though you might speak differently. for the listeners benefit only. and then there is no point trying to drive it away. or act that way. always better to live it, take it as it comes. in the hope that the listeners would someday see what its all about. why the fuck do i hafto worry about the listeners? have i ever? maybe the answer(or the question?) lies in my new found fav quote? have at it:

"I am myself and what is around me, and if I do not save it, it shall not save me."

i'm still wondering why i liked it, with all the rebellious blood in me! ;) (i'm hoping it aint the rhyme!!!)

This. And That...

Back. 45 days. Unadulterated bliss. Too fast. Magical. Everything.

The trip. She. The moments. What do I call it?

She’s just 18. You are crazy. She’s immature. You act like MJ. You’re infatuated. Give it more time. Don’t rush in. You’ll ruin her studies. Wake up and smell the coffee. What do you think you are doing? She’s at that age. This is wrong. It wont work out. You have a dead end around the corner. You will end up hurting yourself and her. Grow up. Act like a 26 year old should. Don’t be foolish. You still thinking about her? She needs to meet more people, understand the world. She’ll grow out of this and you. Its all because she’s not been to a co-ed school. You are not thinking straight. People.

Gimme a break. She's all I ever wanted. I don’t know if I love her. I dunno where this is going. Not yet. Lemme live in the present. Maybe I’ll grow out of this. But letting go aint easy. What do I do if I cant stop thnking abt her? What so immature about liking someone? Am I gonna hurt her? Aarghh. Me.

Home. People around me. Pampering. Spending. Sexy feeling. Trips. Kingfisher. Kumarakom. Backwaters. Cottages. Houseboat. Toddy shops. Lobsters. Romance. Songs. Love. Relaxation. Carefree. Floating. Never wanted the dream to end. Blissful. Pure and simple.

Office. Change of assignment. Much ado about zilch. Back to Phx. Dunno for how long, dunno for what. Depressing. But back with the gang.

Memories. Where is she? How is she? Aarghh.