where art thou?

i've lost my mind. rather a better part of it. and i dont even remember when. thaz the best part. somewhere among the noises.
lifez just drifting. drifting like a feather in the wind. like itz yearning for something to keep it afloat. a fresh whiff of air. a new something. a something to look forward to. to wake up alive every morning. without guilt or doubt. to lend meaning to the chaos, this constant melee.
i've known this before. i've known how it feels. which makes the craving painful. almost unbearable.
finding love is never easy. but it cant elude me. not me. and i'll find my love. make it mine forever. then the world will be mine again.
its enuff that i am convinced. but then there are anomalies. fragments of thought that revolt againt it, this the sly agreement with me and myself. rebel neurons. maybe the pain is not erased completely. but if it is, the pain wouldn't be true, rite? hmmm...

an oblique angle...

i still have to decide on what I am going to write about. and accomplish. but then I really am not losing any sleep on it. i'm king here, a lazy and laidback one at that, and my audience is the whole world, who may or may not be extant. or even aware. or worse, uninterested.
sometimes i feel there's not a lot of things worse than being uninterested. being uninterested is different from being laidback or even lazy. its the complete lack of intent, the absence of purpose that makes you wanna think about a lot of things. unpleasant thoughts. like all those redundant and probably unhappy neurons. but then none of us are born uninterested. who is to blame? is there a way out? its hard to imagine that the world moves on happenstance. there should be a design to everything. free-forms are just an illusion. chance is wrongly attributed to a lot of things. maybe its the people around us. people influencing people. is that impulsive? y do we want everyone to think like us? hmm...