Cogito ergo sum

inbox-2-blog part-17

2009-10-16T04:36:00.004-07:00

Not guilty!

A guy, sitting outside his home about to be evicted from his house, was contemplating how the future would be after he had divorced his wife, lost his children and lost his job.

He notices a crate of empty beer bottles and walks up to it. He takes out an empty bottle , smashing it into the concrete wall swearing, "You are the reason I don' t have a wife", second bottle, "You are the reason I don't have my children", third bottle "You are the reason I lost my job".

He notices the fourth bottle is sealed and still full of beer. He takes the bottle, puts it aside and says....

"Stand aside my dear friend, I know you were Not Involved...."

Status Quo

2009-10-02T10:03:00.002-07:00

With each passing day, my confidence in you is dwindling. It does not take a lot to unsettle me within, but this - this has gone just too far. And while my mind wanders uselessly, staring into the stupid monitor and cursing my incessant inertia more than everything, you continue your torture – hitting where it hurts worst. Why do I suffer from this humiliation? What does it take to wake up from this stupor, spit on your face and walk out?

I read yesterday that it is only when you start taking steps towards what you have always wanted to do that you really start to trust in God. That was quite an interesting observation for want of a better word.

inbox-2-blog part-16

2009-04-22T20:24:00.001-07:00

Here's one for the SHITTY times... ;)

Dear Employees,

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of economy, Management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 40 years of age and above on early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).
Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination). Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW programme (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers). A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Management deems appropriate.
Persons who have been RAPED can only get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance). Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Management.
Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Management has always prided itself on the amount of SHIT it gives to employees. Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring to the attention of your Supervisor. They have been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.

Sincerely,
The Management

Yay!

2008-11-05T01:55:00.004-07:00

Godspeed Barack!

dontyu think...

2008-10-10T06:35:00.000-07:00

...this is life???

Happy Birthday!

2008-08-20T21:37:00.001-07:00

...and by the way, I'm a HUUUGE fan.

inbox-2-blog part-15

2008-02-27T05:09:00.002-07:00

Found this today and thought its worth sharing:

"There's something fundamentally unhealthy about the way our culture deals with grief. It seems to be viewed as a problem that needs to be fixed, a temporary psychosis that should be either prayed or medicated away rather than the catharsis it should be. It makes others uncomfortable, and is therefore quietly discouraged. As a result I think there are a lot of people that never actually finish grieving, that never fully accept their loss and come to peace with it."

how true!

where is the tuner?

2008-01-06T20:28:00.000-07:00

is discontentment the same as unhappiness?

well, atleast the thesaurus seems to suggest so.
doesn't being discontent just mean that you yearn for more? isn't that allowed? how does it imply that you are unhappy with what is?
maybe its when you become irritated becoz u are not there...or you have no frigging clue how to get there - but even then, unhappy is too strong a word. it just feels incorrect.

am i being irrational here? or just plain stubborn? maybe obvious is a relative term as well?
whatever it is, it aint good - coz i can feel all the negative energy.

but then...is discontentment all that bad? isnt it - atleast sometimes - the same as necessity? or it becomes that. atleast sometimes.
guess what really matters is what you end up doing about it. maybe the clarity will come then?

the mind is racing. all the time. its like fighting yourself to stay sane - atleast make half sense out of it all.
maybe the thesauruses aren't good enuff. just maybe.

inbox-2-blog part-14

2007-12-28T19:44:00.001-07:00

i've always wondered how the stock market worked....

...until this.

multiple personality disorder.

2007-12-03T02:19:00.000-07:00

arrogant. short-tempered. selfish. condescending. perverted. impatient. careless. forgetful. hypochondriacal. gluttonous. spendthrift. short-sighted. conservative. unambitious. confused. laidback. lazy. balding. crazy.

carefree. confident. creative. intelligent. humorous. truthful. supportive. nostalgic. modern. positive. open. forgiving. loved. happy. smiling. crazy.
bored.

torch anyone?

2007-10-11T23:39:00.000-07:00

demons. god-fearing(its a scary term isn't it?) or not, u hafto fight the demons to stay sane. and its especially hard, when the demon is within you.
the scenario is actually a lil baffling. whether its the god idea or the demons, u end up fighting within. i hate this ignorance.

it isnt a very bad place to appreciate the roots of religion and faith. or to acknowledge the frailty of an average mind.
afterall, questioned faith and fear is a potent combination. no leash attached.

be it irreverence or incoherence, it is not very comforting to be the receiving end. and the demons - of stupidity, of irrationality, of guilt(?), of fear - are doing their job. i need some light!

i think...

2007-09-26T20:27:00.000-07:00

...i've misplaced my faith somewhere.

and i miss it now. real bad.

inbox-2-blog part-13

2007-09-13T04:52:00.000-07:00

stoopid but smart?

convinced, not?!

2007-08-20T00:18:00.000-07:00

ive been spending some good time reading the god delusion - quite interesting and engaging, especially to an occasional agnost (theist and atheist tendencies alternate) like myself.

maybe there is no god but the god idea. maybe for the weaker soul(whatever that is), at some point in the past, the god idea was a necessary evil(?). but wat abt us? are we mere descendants of the weaker soul? dawkins argues that we do not need religion to be moral, but then religion is not something we aquire -atleast most of us- we are just born into one. and wen that happens, u get so used to it so soon (before u even blink, u r a hindu a christian an islam etc), so much that you dont realize a certain flavour of morality -a set of rules nothing more nothing less- being fed to you, bit by bit, with each sermon, each story, each 'dont do that'. it needs quite some convincing that we could live without it. that we could live wihout looking behind our shoulders - coz someone's always watching isn't he? she? them? it?

for some, for most of us, and this is wer the inertia is, as long as there is a slightest question on conviction - like this self-assessment from the author : "I cannot know for certain but I think God is very improbable, and I live my life on the assumption that he is not there." - the question will undoubtedly remain open. and the question will keep alive the countless debates, the arguments, the bloodsheds, the works.

its an honest attempt to convert believers. does the author succeed? well, maybe maybe-not, but there is a strong case nevertheless.

there are many reasons for the maybe (go read the book) but its the maybe-not that got me thinking. is it just the inertia that stops the avalanche? what gives? and where does that unlearning(?) come from? atleast for me, that is the question i need an answer for. the other -is it a delusion?- doesnt reaaally matter. i say, wer r all the history books?

inbox-2-blog part-12

2007-08-12T02:48:00.000-07:00

this cartoon felt like it just had to happen somehow...

inbox-2-blog part-11

2007-08-07T04:34:00.000-07:00

depressing or wat!

good for a day!

2007-07-23T16:12:00.000-07:00

it being mah bday n all, i'd taken this resolution to not go mad at anyone/anything the whole day, not in action not in thought.

mighta done myself a big favor. who wuda thunk. 'twas a bloody eye opener, to realize how much negative energy there is.

i need to go find a channel. or get a back massage or smthg.

plus one.

2007-07-22T15:34:00.000-07:00

yet another july 23rd. am i supposed to be wiser? and more mature? more successful?

or just older? and lazier?

memories...hope...

2007-06-19T18:40:00.000-07:00

four months cud b a short time or a long time…more like a blur now…good things n bad things…as always…worthy of a collage, I think.

then…sydney. st. leonard’s mansions…what an oxymoron…rooms the size of a large toilet…classic build up to rant about HR policies…too bored to go there…or plain lazy…move to cremorne…welcome change…sydney…very business-like…no fuss weekdays…gorgeous ppl…men n women…walking sculptures… wer does all the beef go? people watching is an amazing hobby…extremely conscious of the way they look…some of the folks are stunning…do they work out 6PM-9AM?…house hunting…15-min inspections…furnished apartments…$400pw…oxford st…haven for gays…Mardi gras…bbq…lobo n preema…aussie accent…no warries maait…howyu goin?…y do I get the impression the folks here are not much bothered abt wat happens outside?…but then the media controls the news don’t they?…mx, smh, today with sarah, kelly, kyle, the richards…models and pop stars reading news…david hicks…amazing what gets priority and coverage what does not…everything’s expensive…$2.40 for 300ml water…crazy…beer is $3…which is a gud thing too…VB, Stella, Tooheys…y drink water?…accounts at home…excel spreadies…good thing I have her :)…indian restaurants…all bad, even horrible…except zaffaran…maybe billoo’s…ogalo, hungry jack’s, gloria jean’s, pasta pantry, McD ofcoz, jaipur sweets, lavazza…lunch @ home…Tuesday movies @ greater union…half-price, long Qs, funny internet booking ad…amp tower…oztrek…opera house…the rocks…pit street mall, paddy’s markets, ashfield, westmead…$3 pool with vikas @ shark…$3 beer…Fridays end @ 4.30…y do I always end up with having to create boring reports on Fridays?…disastrous b’day for shwe…ur perspective doesn’t always count…or matter…just the way of things…note to self : ask…back pain for her…physio therapy…exercises…poor baby…shes stronger now…sad abt not being able to xplore au with her…maybe theres another time…gold coast, cairns, melbourne,blue mountains…bondi beach…naked people…wer do these girls come from?…y didn’t I go to sydney in the summer?…who decides these things?…leather ball cricket…badminton on Saturdays…cooke n philip…maan, I can play!…taronga zoo…maan I kno wat I wanna b if im an animal…no not a tiger I changed my mind…I wanna b a koala…those cool dudes…who designed them?…gud thing theres the zoo…go down under n not c a roo?…work…guys wondering how im managing stuff iv no clue abt…theres a management lesson for u!…no politics…big sigh!of relief…guys n gals playing monopoly till 4am…cards, chess, books, music…malayalam novels…quite a revelation…wer were all these books?...wer was I luking?…winter in sydney…heavy winds…brellies all over the place…unpredictable weather…sunny, cloudy, rain, windy, cold…ppl jogging in rain…they are crazy…its ok to be fat…take a look @ ur friends on the other side of the dateline…McD is trying hard…over 98billion served…double quarter pounder with cheese…but these guys don’t eat lots of it…no cravings?…singapore …opportunity or foolishness?…closer to home…gravity I guess…well, y not huh?…shwe is thrilled…packing, weighing, packing, weighing…throwing in stuff, throwing out stuff…my speakers are gone...:(…shwe is sad abt the apt…she gets attached soon…harry n ji…agent…missing items…I have signed checklist…3 plastic boxes? luggage stand? kettle?…did I eat them?…$1.60 final settlement...memories.

now…singapore. singapore airlines…shabby service…for a change, huh? guess they were in training…yeah well, its economy class so…32kg.bag allowed for one way tickets…boohoo my speakers…the heat…humidity…the greenery…more like home…sweating…tamil signboards…tai hoe hotel…déjà vu…hopeless conditions…no tv, no internet, no nothing…little india…messy place, messy people…there is a reason I guess…feels like chennai…indian food…spice junction, swadisht, ananda bhavan…happy smiles, happy tummy…SG$1.20 for 2*300ml water…cheap stuff…mustafa centre…awesome…24 hour shopping…u get everything in there…well maybe not rockets and turbines n stuff, but then parts might be available…just ask the guys…round the clock…petite girls here…cute childish faces…ppl r lazier compared to sydney…go for lunch la…zara…no smile…house hunting…agents…lots of ‘em…mimi…hdbs…condos…obscene rents…SGD$2200 for a 2+1 condo…convention…hotels fully booked…three times normal rates…why don’t I get paid more la?… …anoo, pia, shwetha g…new friends…sexy MRT network…purple, red, green lines…new ppl @ work…job interview for shwe…hope.

another cryptic post.

2007-05-28T18:09:00.000-07:00

eternal sunshine of the spotless mind.
very romantic indeed. alternatively, a whole load of bull crap. whatever makes you happy.

a spotless mind. lets just say we forget about the eternal sunshine for a moment. that's easier.
but a spotless mind. isn't that fantastic?

like in a fable. or a dream, just an idea, a crazy thought. or maybe a devised plan.
good intent, maybe. or a figment of imagination, a fabulous work of art. perceived but not understood. or known.

it confuses, doesnt it? maybe not, but the few who does understand. sages or psychos?

i'm torn. but man, i luv the thought.

the rolling stones.

2007-05-21T22:17:00.000-07:00

not the band. the stones.

i can relate somewhat. no wonder i dig trance. the incessant music. if the musics bad, the incessant irritation. if its gud, its all gud.
but then, its never all gud, yeah? maybe yes. atleast i've not yet reached that stage where i can make that distinction. everytime. without giving up half way.

patience is a tricky thing. much like hunger, for me. unless i start eating, i dunno how hungry i am. funny, yeah?
maybe i'll find out. maybe i am patient.

to wat end, you ask? who knows! maybe singapore has all the answers.
maybe not.

red or ded

2007-04-30T23:04:00.000-07:00

fatty cyst.

on the right side. just below the ribs.

a small lump that scared me. wat do i kno - it cud get bigger. and uglier. and then it wudavto be removed.

and a scar wud remain.

small price for the beef eh? tch tch.

its never too late...

2007-04-14T01:35:00.000-07:00

...to unlearn anything.

and there's no such thing as 'formative years' in a man's life.

then there was this quote...

2007-04-04T17:02:00.000-07:00

...that said "Life is good as long as u have a distraction!"

its our wont to run away isn't it? the first response? i'm a li'l sadder today.

i just finished reading...

2007-04-02T20:26:00.000-07:00

...One Hundred Years of Solitude.

and now i wish i hadn't.

watta farce!

2007-03-29T22:32:00.000-07:00

FTV banned

NEW DELHI: The Information and Broadcasting Ministry on Thursday decided to ban FTV for two months, beginning April 1. This is the second channel to be banned this year. AXN was banned but it came back on air after an apology for beaming objectionable content.

In the case of FTV, the action has been taken for airing programmes such as Midnight Hot, featuring "skimpily dressed and semi-naked models."

Such programmes, according to the Ministry, are against good taste and decency, denigrate women and could adversely affect public morality. The ban has been ordered as per Section 20(2) of the Cable Television Networks Regulation Act, 1995.
The action follows complaints to the Ministry by television viewers.

unlike-post.

2007-03-11T21:36:00.000-07:00

guilt is a bitch.
it never lets go.

and u never get to know if you are guilty or not. many a time.
then i guess its coz of the different ways you know you can look at it.

it will never go away. no escape.
deliverance, somehow, is painfully elusive.

inbox-2-blog part-10

2007-03-07T13:32:00.000-07:00

funny. creative.

i know...

2007-03-04T19:53:00.000-07:00

...that its really the people that matter. other things are there but not as important.

...that every word you speak goes to define you as a person. and its a big deal.

...that its enough to be gud @ heart. the other things will fall into place. eventually.

...that it takes an awful long time to forget certain things. memories could be a bad thing at times.

...that my opinion doesnt always count. but then that shouldnt stop me from making one.

...that there are'nt many painful things like a forced smile. its like you are cheating urself.

...that most entertainment channels have the adverse effect. i'm much better off watching movies or sports, even news.

...that i'm very fortunate. and it keeps getting better every day. no complaints.

...that i need a change at work. but then inertia has always been too tough on me.

...that this is getting too long a list. and i'd better stop.

i'm convinced...

2007-02-25T19:46:00.000-07:00

...that real happiness lies in the small things (no pun ofcoz).

maybe we shud all stop worrying. now that would be a small step yeah? :)

checklist.

2007-02-20T22:43:00.000-07:00

move to new work location - 100%.
settle down at new work location- 50%.
move to new home - 25%.
settle down at new home - 10%.
thinkin abt settlin down at new work location and new home - 50%
time left for blogging - 0%.

i guess i'll take a while longer.

(yeah i kno the numbers dont add up. dyu think i'm preoccupied?)

i'm only...

2007-01-05T02:42:00.000-07:00

...taking a lo..ng break

flash of...

2006-12-07T03:18:00.000-07:00

in my experience, i've learnt that its considerably easy to fool people.

in my experience, i've also learnt that its considerably easy to get fooled by people.

role-play

2006-11-27T03:30:00.000-07:00

happy, but frustrated.
smiling, but impatient.
relaxed, but restless.
aware, but skeptical.

i'm two (or more) people. all at once, and all in one.

inbox-2-blog part-9

2006-11-09T08:12:00.000-07:00

if only my desktop behaved as well! (sigh!)

inbox-2-blog part-8

2006-11-08T00:19:00.000-07:00

fancy a bike?

being yourself.

2006-10-05T02:10:00.000-07:00

at the outset, one might think that its the easiest thing to do. rather, you do not even have to do anything per se, you just have to be. just do watyu want, speak watyu want, think watyu want. and say this is me. simple.

but then, there is always another line of thought. aint there something that doesnt change? something that doesnt evolve all the time, that makes us what we are, who we are? and when that something changes, evolves, dontyu become someone else? better still, wudnt there be a dramatic remake? doesnt matter what you call that something. culture, value, belief, myth, learning, quality, nature.

and there is an interesting tussle too. atleast to the more aware among us. when there is change -forced or otherwise- and a resistance to it. many a time, our comfort zones determine how strong the resistance is. some of us cave in, accept and move on. some of us dont. either is not right or wrong. its like taking the blue pill or the red pill. there is just a different path.

sometimes i wish there was a 'save as' button in life, just in case.

inbox-2-blog part-7

2006-09-17T22:36:00.000-07:00

THE BEER PRAYER

OUR LAGER, WHICH ART IN BARRELS,
HALLOWED BY THY FAME.
THY WILL BE DRUNK, I WILL BE DRUNK,
AT HOME, AS IT IS IN HEAVEN.
GIVE US THIS DAY OUR FOAMY HEAD,
AND FORGIVE OUR SPILLAGE,
AS WE FORGIVE THOSE WHO SPILL AGAINST US.
AND LEAD US NOT TO INCARCERATION,
BUT DELIVER US FROM HANGOVERS.
FOR THINE IS THE ALE, THE PILSNER, AND THE LAGER,
FOREVER AND EVER.

- AMEN

the green grass.

2006-08-30T23:38:00.000-07:00

have you ever wondered what might ensue if everyone got what they wanted? if every wish was granted? every whim, every fancy, every desire, craving and prayer answered and obliged? sounds like an utopian fantasy? look closer, and u realise its more like a prelude to a less appealing aftermath. if you saw glimpses of nirvana around the corner, it might just be an illusion. or a bubble.

there is an inexplicable -atleast obscure- hookup between seeking greener pastures and discontent. One inevitably leads to the other, sooner rather than later, for most of us mere mortals. why? coz we cant stop. even if we write our objectives down, neatly defined and measured. no. its not in our nature to be content -even tickled pink- and remain that way. the mind is wired to look ahead. and ahead -or even sideways for that matter- always seem to sport greener, thicker grass.

is there something amiss here, something wrong? something to be careful abt, to be warned against? is there something to complain abt? even if there is, is there a consequence? now, theres a thought.

no, i'm not on pot.

2006-08-22T04:14:00.000-07:00

is it possible to feel completely relaxed? not without pot, u say? but dont we all ache for it, albeit for a brief period? that feeling of absolute stillness? without the blemish of a stray thought, a concern, not a bothering question? dont we all feel at some point to be oblivious of time? like in a trance? or is it just me?

freedom to percieve.

2006-08-17T22:16:00.000-07:00

a recent post i read on freedom reminded me of this:

Once when I was living in the heart of a pomegranate, I heard a seed saying, "Someday I shall become a tree, and the wind will sing in my branches, and the sun will dance on my leaves, and I shall be strong and beautiful through all the seasons." Then another seed spoke and said, "When I was as young as you, I too held such views; but now that I can weigh and measure things, I see that my hopes were vain." And a third seed spoke also, "I see in us nothing that promises so great a future." And a fourth said, "But what a mockery our life would be, without a greater future!" Said a fifth, "Why dispute what we shall be, when we know not even what we are." But a sixth replied, "Whatever we are, that we shall continue to be." And a seventh said, "I have such a clear idea how everything will be, but I cannot put it into words." Then an eighth spoke - -and a ninth -- and a tenth -- and then many -- until all were speaking, and I could distinguish nothing for the many voices. And so I moved that very day into the heart of a quince, where the seeds are few and almost silent.

wats on the menu?

2006-08-09T23:31:00.001-07:00

so many things have changed. at home. work. outside. some are easy to understand. but some are just way beyond me. just cant make sense. here's some.

stuff that make sense:
->no more feeling lonely. phew! maybe its true. everything happens for a reason. but then this aint no destiny discussion. thats for later.
->im happy. derives directly from above. luv this feeling. every moment. i cud get so used to this. and not complain. aint that something?
->it makes me happier to make her happy. i aint no altruist, but its true, sometimes you can put another person ahead of urself. n it feels just awesome.
->ppl can turn responsible overnight. yes, there is still hope. also, responsibility does not always translate to not being lazy.
->reconfirm fact: relationships are intriguing. and its interesting to keep it that way. and not try to simplify. what if the charm is lost?
->luv is all it takes. or maybe i just got lucky. i have that knack. lucky me.
->not all change makes you feel elated. like at work. theres a feeling of getting stuck in the rut. but then im just too lazy. problem solved.
->i hate maths just way too much to start preparing for cat. thats my line and im sticking to it. stoopid n stubborn.
->im almost five yrs (gaash!) in this company, n all this while ive just been drifting, floating along. inertia might not act this strongly on anyone else.
->i used to hate writing, even mentioning, the word 'i'. now i realise i (see wat i<- mean?) dont have a real choice. thaz the way of the world.
->common man here at home has much more common sense than his cousin in amreeka. dumbness quotient is much lower here. i swear.
->no more feeling an outsider. home is sweet. but then the ATM machines constantly rebuke me, mock me. i guess there is a price for sweetness.

stuff that drives me crazier:
->im gud nuff to figure being happy n being content. can't ever have nuff. maybe thaz the way we r all wired? interesting eh? what if one affects the other? its a duel, no easy(?) way out. a leak somewer? ;)
->i dont want her to get bored at home, i dont want her to be away at work. what the heck? doesnt make no sense to be at two places, albeit for work.
->there is soomuchh ass-licking. few things are done the straight way, no pun ;). wake up n smell the kaapi u say? just too many ppl?
->'u r judged by the size of the team u lead'. bull.
->how dyu drive on these roads? ive driven before, its just been a 2yr brk. the buses. like there is no tomorrow. and with her. scary. maybe i havent noticed the madness before?
->there aint no such thing as courtesy driving. the roads are a mayhem. be kind, get stuck in traffic for eons. savvy?

"Pirate"

2006-08-06T09:14:00.000-07:00

fk i wanna c the next part!

ver 1.1

2006-08-03T23:21:00.001-07:00

its been a nice lil break, this. and changes too. from phoenix to kochi. from hooked to hitched. from happy-go-lucky to happy-n-lucky.

lots of things are new. its amazing how life changes color and course in a blink. or...does it really change course? maybe it just adapts. fun eitherway.

i'm all excited.

adios for a bit...

2006-06-07T19:15:00.000-07:00

i'm outta here for a bit. c y'all soon.

inbox-2-blog part-6

2006-06-06T11:51:00.000-07:00

games people play!

one week. n im outta here.

2006-06-02T16:00:00.000-07:00

got my itinerary today. 9 hours in singapore. maybe i will get to roam around a bit. mmm...

inbox-2-blog part-5

2006-06-02T00:28:00.000-07:00

cant wait to see an upset this time...

book review

2006-05-26T20:03:00.000-07:00

i read 'tuesdays with morrie' today.

its awesome.

inbox-2-blog part-4

2006-05-25T09:46:00.000-07:00

my kinda maths solooshans :D

incredibly useless. thoughts. stuff.

2006-05-18T15:18:00.000-07:00

counting days. impatience. anticipation. excitement. a bit tense. shopping. ring. ipaq. ipod. cancelled transactions. shipping charges. travel request. landing at kochi. apartment search. thought of food at home. yum. lotsa food. no tennis. no exercise. no nothing. will grow fat. cant say out of shape. round is a shape. rain back home. cant wait. sound of rain on the fone. she says its raining. cant wait.

fell ill. irregular bowel movements. again. duh. :( . tired. liquid diet. no food. hungry. cant eat. cant drink. pedialyte. gatorade. toast. yuck. lomotil. fed up. miss food. start eating. thai. mild. regular waiter goes "whaaaat?". repeat order. wierd look on his face. food still inside. hahaha. beer in fridge. cant touch. almost forgot how food tasted. vowed to eat in moderation. and no more junk. like always. stoopid grin.

new room-mate. somewhat a wierdo. somewhat dumb. its amazing how some dumb people rise up in corporate heirarchy. says "i have a godfather in the company, yaar!". sick. nauseating. somehow dont feel like arguing. watever makes u happy, maan. his new car. said hes driven here before. almost killed me thrice today. left turned towards oncoming traffic. three fucking times. shout. sits on seat adjusted too high. and too much to the front. said he adjusted the mirrors according to the seat. duh. holds the steering close to his chest. frustration. comfortably numb. sigh!

the az heat has gotten to above 100F. fkn hot. crack in the windshield. geico will cover. or so they said. if the crack is no longer than can be covered by a dollar bill. hopefully it doesnt widen. the glass guy comes to inspect tomorrow.awaiting tax returns. ibsn. some stuff was made up. watever. y dont i feel bad? indifference. good i didnt do it myself. too messy anyways. too much effort. duh. fuel prices. over the roof. 3.06per gallon. good that im selling my car.

not a lot of work. not a lot of interest do do the not a lot of work. no replacement yet. imbeciles. resourcing nightmare. dont look at me. come june. and i am gone. to dance in the rain. to get lost in that feeling. happiness.

more like a semi-colon

2006-05-12T13:31:00.000-07:00

im gone. rather im gonna b gone soon. shifting. moving. relocating. going back home.

how long? i dunno. maybe a coupla months. maybe more, for ever. things r so fluid at this time.

the blog? thinkin of shutting down for a while. figgrd its better than doing inbox-2-blog thingys, yeah? time is such an elusive sob.

wats on my mind? its been awesome. nothing like meeting new ppl. who become good friends in a blink. like a blessing. this blog has done only good things. the reason it wont be killed. not anytime soon.

inbox-2-blog part-3

2006-05-10T15:44:00.000-07:00

i think its an awesome representation of wazzup back home - kinda like a weird potpourri! :)

stuff.

2006-05-04T09:43:00.000-07:00

juuuuuuuuuuuuust becoz i luv her :)

1. Grab the book nearest to you, turn on page 18 and find line 4. grabbed. turned. found.

2. Stretch your left arm out as far as you can. for wat? :D

3. What is the last thing you watched on TV? Dont remember.

4. Without looking, guess what time it is? 9.30a

5. Now look at the clock, what is the actual time? 9.31a. woah i'm good!

6. With the exception of the computer, what can you hear? voices on my headset...ppl talking in the conf call...wonder wat...:D

7. When did you last step outside? What were you doing? came outta home to office.

8. Before you started this survey, what did you look at? my inbox.

9. What are you wearing? a stoopid grin.

10.Did you dream last night? i guess.

11. When did you last laugh? wen i read daks' email :)

12. What is on the walls of the room you are in? doors n windows. fire estinguishers. maps. clocks. wall hangings.

13. Seen anything weird lately? yeah. ppl. many of em.

14. What do you think of this quiz? stoopid. but takes my mind off this call, so wth! :)

15. What is the last film you saw? united 93.

16. If you became a multimillionaire overnight, what would you buy? mmm...maybe a 6-pack to celebrate?

17. Tell me something about you that I dunno. i havent cut my nails. too lazy. duh!

18. If you could change one thing about the world, regardless of guilt or politics, what would you do? nothing. y wud i want to change anything?

19. Do you like to dance? I guess.

20. George Bush. wat abt him?

21. Imagine your first child is a girl, what do you call her? too early to think abt it.

22. Imagine your first child is a boy, what do you call him? see 21.

23. Would you ever consider living abroad? i'm living abroad now.

24. What do you want GOD to say to you when you reach the pearly gates? care for a beer?

25. 4 people who must also do this meme in their journal. not my style :)

phew! note to self: no more getting persuaded to tags i dont wanna do.

cant b truer!

2006-05-03T10:55:00.000-07:00

"The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory. "

another very interesting picture...

2006-05-01T14:50:00.000-07:00

...cant say i totally agree, but i'm pretty sure a guy came up with this! hahaha!

i guess both r equally intriguing, even as the picture suggests the contrary. neither is a bad thing.

wer r these?

2006-04-28T14:18:00.000-07:00

mmm....i dont think tags n i go well together....somehow i feel like im being forced to think....maybe im just plain lazy...who knows?

luttappi's mama asks me abt 10 things i miss most...there are many (most of em names of delicacies...hahaha), but here are 10 that come to mind now, in random order:

i miss my childhood. yeah ...already!....maybe im growing old too soon huh? is it normal(?) for a 26 yr old to miss his childhood? i miss the absolute freedom, the naughtiness, the tantrums, the getting pampered. i miss not having to worry about tomorrow. or for that matter today.

i miss the coffee at home. the sweet smell. i miss the frequent trips to the indian coffee house. the cutlets.

i miss the sound of the waves. that beer at the beach. pure bliss.

i miss the morning wake up call with the newspaper and tea. maan, that was luxury. and pampering. i'm a pampered kid.

i miss the hair on mah head. hahaha. add to the misery, i have this disastrous cut. now the receding (shud i say vanishing?) hairline is all the more evident. waaaaaah :'-(

i miss the fish curry at home. maan, i'm all nostalgic. there is a gargangtuan list here, will not go that route for fear of server crash. lez just say i miss (crave for is a much better term) food at home.

i miss seeing girls in sarees. nuff said.

i miss my books. reading. ever since i got the notebook, its been on the decline. god knos wen i'll be able to get back in the groove.

i miss mah nokia 3310. weird huh? but there it is. i miss it.

i miss those crazy days at the college hostel. the anarchy, the fun, the abandon.

there. dont wanna tag no noone.

inbox-2-blog part 2

2006-04-26T13:21:00.000-07:00

Here are some incredibly bad scenes from south indian (telugu?) movies.

Incredibly bad scene 1
Incredibly bad scene 2
Incredibly bad scene 3

What is the purpose? Are these supposed to inspire someone? To do what? Who are the people who make these a hit? Can I please meet some of them? What do they look like?

sigh!

this...

2006-04-20T11:04:00.000-07:00

landed in my inbox today...

n i thot 'twas kinda interesting :O)

understanding happiness...

2006-04-17T16:39:00.000-07:00

i hope (there. there it is. the last half ounce of doubt. out there. no more of you inside me.) this stays forever. this rapture, this ecstacy, this feeling of pure, unadulterated bliss. obliterating everything that is sad - not by choice, but by design (and thaz the beauty of it). naive, you say? like i care.

sometimes, just sometimes, you are allowed to live your dream. bask n revel in it. however short lived. and it makes all the difference. makes it all seem worthwhile - the pain, the anguish, the longing, the wait. everything seem to add up. to bring this moment. this moment that im in.

a reason. something to look forward to. yes, i understand what happiness is.

just can't.

2006-04-16T16:07:00.000-07:00

i can't wait. i just can't.

and this time difference sux. big time.

the worst F1 accident ever!

2006-04-11T14:43:00.000-07:00

this one made me laff! :)

let this moment not pass.

2006-04-07T18:10:00.000-07:00

all i know is that im on top of the world right now.
all i know is that i couldnt have asked for more.
all i know is that im ridiculously happy.

thanq god.

this n that...

2006-04-01T18:04:00.000-07:00

this guy makes sense:

Theodore Geisel : "Don't cry because it's over, Smile because it happened"
(of lost luv)

this guy doesnt! :



somehow, i can relate to both!

doc to me: "dude, v found traces of blood in ur alcohol"
me : :D

i'm outta here.

2006-03-29T21:27:00.001-07:00

thaz it. nuff. i'm off to have some fun.

booked the car and the room.cant wait for the 7th. also, cant wait for these guys to respond to my email about the business partners and the astrologers.

while i'm off sinning, u figure this. what are missing cows doing here?

target -> me.

2006-03-27T09:47:00.000-07:00

yeah, everything is BAU. just another monday. period.

after an almost-perfect weekend (how i wish i was talking abt it now!) i wake up on this wonderful day to a mind-numbing surprise - i cant find my car. in my covered parking spot. inside the apartment, this 'closed community'. first reaction - oh fk its stolen!. second -and the correct- thought - waitaminute wat if someone towed it?

they confirmed they have her. 138-TLJ. T as in Taken, L as in Lost and J as in a fuckin Joke!

WTF happened? y did the guy at the apartment give me this spot if it was assigned to someone else? the apartment office doesnt open until 10AM, here i'm hoping i wont lose my cool n give that peabrain more than a fair helping of a piece of my mind.

breathe, slow n steady. just concentrate on breathing. for now.

update : shez hurt! :'-(

the craving.

2006-03-20T18:02:00.000-07:00

am i forgetting to live? it somehow feels like i'm waiting for something to happen. like this moment does not matter. weekends always bring a sense of elation with it. it used to be associated with all the fun things for the next two days. or even just the damn break from work. but now its different. now the elation is coz another week has passed.

not sure wer i am rushing to. not sure whats in store, wats waiting around the corner (n i loathe it.). but theres this intolerable longing. for that something thaz around the corner. n im rushing for it. cant wait. it all sounds kinda crazy, but somehow makes perfect sense.

like its all gonna b ok. once i turn the corner. but its painful. it hurts. like a day without love.

almost screwed!

2006-03-17T13:11:00.000-07:00

phew!

boy! theres something 'out there' that wishes me to see another day. or i am plain lucky. maybe those are just two different ways to say the same thing.

i almost died 20 minutes back. these left turns are always tricky. especially wenyu cant see the other lane wen a fkn truck blocks ur way. especially wen thers a fkn pickup speeding @ 60mph to beat the yellow light on the other lane. especially since the person laking a left is held responsible by law. ok ok, maybe i shuda waited that extra second for the green arrow too.

thanks god for the brakes. on that pickup. and thank god for the V6 on mah baby. and thank god the guy on the bicycle stopped in time too. my fingers are still trembling. maybe i'll celebrate tonight!

watevers 'out there', listen yo: that was fkn close! poof!

god exists!

2006-03-14T18:24:00.000-07:00

but y cant he do this to me?

su-vveet huh?

going/gone bonkers...

2006-03-10T15:07:00.000-07:00

sometimes i feel like a coward. maybe i am confusing it with insecurity. maybe not. cant really place it. kinda lost, again! but its for sure, theres this massive inertia problem. otherwise call it comfort zone. im stuck. gravity suddenly(?) acting too strongly. lazy u say? neah i know how that feels. this feels kinda different.

this just feels like i'ma stuck. and theres no wiggle room (ah, another instance of work parlance creeps in...cant help notice there are too many of these intrusions lately..the dull n predictable work me is slowly taking over the normal n crazy me -there! another me definition:normal n crazy! kinda oxymoron rite?- and it just aint rite...wat? u say thaz called growin' up? how boring!..duh wats with all the digressions huh?) at all. for wat? anything apart from wat im stuck in. wat am i stuck in? this thought.

this thought that has many branches. the defining question (there. there! c wat i mean?) is smthg that should sound like 'wat am i doing here'? no. dont go too deep. here is not this world, the reason for existence n all that gud stuff. not just yet. maybe here is at work. but then i have this vague memory of me telling myself -that i kinda like this work. hmmm. maybe then its the ppl. but then they are everywer rite? maybe here is the loneliness. lo! there. we have a winner. its all coming back to me now ;). (is this the real reason i do this? y havent i ever written abt some environmental issue or smthg? duh!)

so feel like going away. but cant. sad. its kinda weird too, like a situation magnet (dyu believe that? i just came up with that crap). every irritation is like a situation enhancer. this sucks!

bleak picture huh? im kinda gud @ exaggeration methinks ;)

too lazy to elaborate.

2006-03-09T17:07:00.000-07:00

ifyu r depressed andyu do not have a reason to be depressed, thenyu have a reason to be depressed.

she told me this. whacky, but true.

something to smile abt!

2006-03-09T10:07:00.000-07:00

This.

hahaha :)

maybe its coffee??

2006-03-08T10:51:00.000-07:00

...or maybe not.

Wonder Y!

2006-03-07T16:13:00.000-07:00

A : Feeling much better, discharged from Critical Care and hospital. (Phew!)
Moving : Done. (New place, new roomie, so far so good!)
Payroll issues : Resolved. (a BIG Phew!)
Blood Pressure : Back to normal. (translates to- start eating again!)

I should be ecstactic. Wonder Y i'm not! :)

why 7? whoo knos?!

2006-02-17T16:14:00.000-07:00

ok jaguu the dude thot i shud write this. n i thot y not?!

7 things to do before I die:
1. write a book (on luv, life, getting lost on luv, life)
2 a month-long vacation on a remote beach with lots of sun, sand, beer, music and mah gal
3. a big room full of DVD music n movies, huge screen, bose music and a lazboy in the middle :)
4. sky-dive (again)
5. own a red flashy 2-seater sports car (a ferrari wud b way out huh?)
6. find a job wer i will b happy n content (yeah rite!)
7. make sense out of myself (yeah that takes the cake)

7 things I can't do:
1. dance (not for my life. feet of lead)
2. lie to folks i luv (even simple things. crazy i kno)
3. pretend to be happy wen i am not (dontyu think a fake smile is the saddest thing?)
4. go back to being a kid (sigh!)
5. be totally comfortable around dogs cats et al (wat if they bite moi?)
6. have a good hairstyle (its hopeless)
7. stop listening to music (stop breathing?)

7 things I always say:
1. oh crapppp :)
2. howzyu?/wazzuuuuup!
3. what the...(trail/append with a choice word depending on ppl im talkin to)
4. c'mon maaan!/duuuuuuuuuuude!
5. :D (in Y!)
6. beer? (Corona pyaaar haaiii)
7. home is wer the heart is :)

7 books I have loved:
thisz gonna b tuff! ok seven in random order, the way they came to mind:
1. a brief history of time (especially the alternate universes bit)
2. the khalil gibran reader (its more like a treasure)
3. the dilbert omnibus (autobiography of sorts)
4. calvin n hobbes (all of em...can i marry him pls?)
5. reflections of the self (krishnamurthy is kinda cool :)
6. the republic (were ppl sleeping after plato?)
7. zen and the art of motorcycle maintenance (ever wondered wat quality is? yuck!)

7 movies I'd love to watch over and over:
I cuda listed 7000, but then...!
1. Nadodikkattu (mah bible)
2. Poochakkoru Mukkuthi (all em mallu comedy flix, just the thot of em brings a laff)
3. The Fabulous Destiny of Amelie Poulain (almost perfect)
4. Cold Mountain (romance n longing @ its best...n Renee Z rockz!)
5. Lock stock and two smoking barrels (aint just the accent a turn on?)
6. Crouching tiger hidden dragon (Ziyi Zhang takes mah breath away)
7. Kill Bill 1 (Quentins mah hero)

7 things I get attracted to:
1. tall gals with long hair :D
2. dimples on gals :D
3. a beautiful smile, on a gal :D
4. the wave sounds at the beach (can listen to em all day)
5. the color red. gal in a red dress, sexy if its a red saree :D
6. the couch, the beer :D
7. yummy food :D

7 people I want to tag:
dont wanna :)

so there goes! these tags make me work dude! im too lazy for this....;)

scene on feb 15.

2006-02-15T13:06:00.000-07:00

statistics say the max number of break-ups in the u.s. occur the day after valentine's owing to disappointment/anger that the partner did not do enuff for v-day. *grin*

happy just another lovely day!

2006-02-14T14:29:00.000-07:00

there is valentines day. and then there is a superabundance of bull crap around valentines day. somebody help me understand the hoopla around this humbug.

i am all for showing how much you love, u care. smother em with affection. oh yes. luv it. but do u need to be reminded by hallmark for that? i mean, what a pathetic state of affairs that is huh!? i kno i kno...'ah! cliche! here comes another rant of the lovelorn' you go. yeah yeah. maybe, maybe not.

cant start to imagine the innuendos. so u wake up this day, almost sleepwalk to the nearest florist and buy roses. just becoz its feb 14 and hallmark or some flipped out halfwit sez its cool? u feel compelled to show ur love on this day more than any other? gosh people! wake up and smell-da-fkn-kaapi.

luv is such a wonderful thing. wat r v doing to it? assigning a day to love? and then go 'FUCK YOU BITCH!' on feb 15? i'm sad. :(
and do i feel better? no.

hope...

2006-02-10T15:53:00.000-07:00

fridays are supposed to be exciting, rite? wonder what happened to today!?

(hope it aint starting a trend)

wazzup with da world huh?

2006-02-05T14:01:00.000-07:00

or wazzup with me? or the way i look @ it? theres something awfully wrong. theres always, u say?

these days have been incredibly bad. office has been hell, there was the fever, the issue with payroll, the shifting houses thing and the never ending debate with myself on wat-the-fk-am-i-doing-here thing. my doc has been helping too. didnt someone say that unpleasant truths should not *grin* be told or something? quite apparently, she hasnt heard of anything of the sort. these doctors do have this habit of saying the truth dont they? i guess its the only
profession wer u hafto say the truth...hahaha..:)

anyhow, i've been told i'd die soon. yeah yeah we'll all die eventually, but if i dont take care of the high blood pressure, i'll die sooner. i've escaped from medication coz i'm 'young'(yippee!), but not from a cruel, cruel 'prescription'. she has pronounced that i need "lifestyle alteration". in simple words, knock off all the red meat, shrimp and other such heavenly stuff from my diet, use less salt, relax more and a mandatory 45 min session at the gym! fk i feel like i am 50 years old! (and wat do i eat now huh?)

ok ok there might be a lil harmless exaggeration involved here, it might come down if i work out a bit and gobble up *grin* the stuff only in moderation. life for veggies is hell here, i'm positive that i'd die sooner if i even remotely start to think of a green diet! :-o

'wers da light, god?'
" "
'what? cant hear you. theres a lot of static...'
" "
'what? cant hear...uh...look where? ugh!'

more sunshine to all, good times are coming! :O)

i need change! :(

2006-02-02T15:26:00.000-07:00

came across this sexy quote today, n made me sad!

'If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.'

present ma'am

2006-01-29T16:15:00.000-07:00

there’s something about sherry. so she tagged moi.

look @ her go:
The rules of the game are:
1. The tagged victim has to come up with 8 different points of their perfect lover.
2. Need to mention the sex of the target.
3. Tag 8 victims to join this game & leave a comment on their comments saying they’ve been tagged.
4. If tagged the 2nd time, there’s no need to post again

but then, rules are meant to be broken? :D oh yes they are. who wants to live in a predictable world? wer there are road signs everywer? not moi. :D

ok, first things first. aint nothing like the perfect lover. atleast not how i think abt it. if theres perfection, theres boredom. and a lack of anything to look forward to. which kinda kills it, dontyu think? dyu really think we can sustain happiness, or for that matter any one feeling, for ever? theres always that new thought, that new demand :)…its just the way we are wired. so forget perfect lover. thaz like saying peacekeeper missile. or clearly confused. or even seriously funny. just another oxymoron.

how canyu ever resist a sweet n sexy one huh? u can? wow, how come i cant? interesting…newez here goes, sherry…8 things i’d look in her…(y 8 btw? i cud go on n on foreva)…craziness…she shud b as crazy as me…or even more…shud b fun to play catch up ;) define crazy? something…anything…wild n naughty n crazy…something out of the blue…just to sweep me away…one kiss on the road while we r driving wud do…hehe :)…laziness…just coz i’d be there on the couch all curled up n ready to cuddle n i’d need company… those eyes, that smile…eyes that u just get lost in..eyes that speak a thousand words, hum a thousand tunes…eyes that read me like a book…and that smile…that smile which makes me forget the rest of the world n all its worries…warmth n luv…i’d b lookin forward to that hug all day…i think my gal shud always be xpecting a hug…hehe :)…n luv me like crazy…just like i’d luv her...with all my heart…multiple-roles :)…she shud be my frnd my lover my baby my mom my advisor my critic my parole officer my sister my bitch my master my philosopher all in one…not too much to ask huh? :D that conversation… don’t forget that loooooong stimulating conversation….on something… anything…to keep us connected…always…dontyu think it’s rousing? that walk on the beach…hand in hand…listening to the waves…her long hair swaying in the breeze…can it get any better? and oh yes the way she smells…is there a better turn on?

maan! sometimes i do get carried away don’t i?

now for the tag. go to 8 ppl, comment on their blogs n stuff? oh man! i’m way too lazy for all that :D… so ppl, ifyu think it’s a nice idea, get on to it (woohoo, n i’m saved from tagging)… i’da luvved to hear ammani’s list tho :)

some random junk which interested moi today!

2006-01-24T15:12:00.000-07:00

sheer conspiracy!

DORMITORY When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM
PRESBYTERIAN When you rearrange the letters: BEST IN PRAYER
ASTRONOMER When you rearrange the letters: MOON STARER
DESPERATION When you rearrange the letters: A ROPE ENDS IT
THE EYES When you rearrange the letters: THEY SEE
GEORGE BUSH When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE
THE MORSE CODE When you rearrange the letters: HERE COME DOTS
SLOT MACHINES When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY When you rearrange the letters: IS NO AMITY
ELECTION RESULTS When you rearrange the letters: LIES - LET'S RECOUNT
MOTHER-IN-LAW When you rearrange the letters: WOMAN HITLER
SNOOZE ALARMSWhen you rearrange the letters: ALAS! NO MORE Z'S
A DECIMAL POINT When you rearrange the letters: IM A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES When you rearrange the letters: THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO When you rearrange the letters: TWELVE PLUS ONE

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:
PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA : When you rearrange the letters: TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS

whine baby whine :)

2006-01-21T22:57:00.000-07:00

its a curse. on many of us. we do not kno wen it is wen it is enuff. of anything. love. hope. despair. complaining.

ok one part of me has already started protesting. one part of me is up in arms. already. for including love in that lil list.
how can you ever have enuff of love huh? you of all people? you can have enuff of love? and what will you do after you have had enuff of love? get bored? switch off? do wat huh? move on to wat? become a sage? you think they are just sources? do you really believe sages do not need love? at no level? i say bullshit. bah!

ok ok chill. i understand i surrender i agree. i kno i cant have enuff. truce. but then dude, i also need to figure this out, get a hold on myself? cant afford to get carried away? aint it wenyu don’t kno wen it is that its enuff that u tend to get carried away? keep wanting for more? and more? if u don’t have a freaking clue wen it is that its enuff, wen dyu stop? wen the longing is constant, wen u always feel it, wenyu always feel u r incomplete, wen u r always waiting, doesn’t it leave the doors wide open for hope n then ofcoz despair to slip in?

and then u start complaining? that u don’t have enuff? mighty interesting i shud say my dear. ever thot abt it?

what are we complaining about again? oh yeah, we don’t really have anything to complain about. no dig? relax. ever observed a pattern? do we ever stop? we just find the next thing to complain about don’t we? ofcoz there are a hundred perspectives or more…and hey thaz been our best excuse too hasn’t it? ok so oh mighty one wat is a solution? rid us of our woes? haha, no fast escape route dude…here comes the funny part – there aint no solution :-P

just the way we are wired. live with it.

there, i just said it! throw ur stones. aim right for my temple. whatever gives u solace. who am i? am i happy? and content? or omniscient? oh far from it. but then there are these streaks of light. which i cant be wrong about. just cant be. no.

this point in time...

2006-01-08T14:11:00.000-07:00

sunken heart, a momentary loss of direction, a fleeting second of hopelessness, despair. void.
multitude of emotions that dwell the stupid heart n mind after a break up. shouldnt really, wen you start it. coz you give yourself time to prepare, to adjust, to be ok. but then i guess it also speaks about how much you care. not like you owe it, more like its natural. which is fine, as long as you dont set up a camp site n decide to stay for long. which doesnt make sense anyways.

trying hard to keep resolution number one now. hard and sincere.

that time of the year...

2005-12-29T20:03:00.000-07:00

no. this time its for real. i swear i will hold on. wont let go. no its not an OCD. every time i try. its getting better. maybe it will last longer this time.

1.will not lose a friend …came close to one this year, aint gonna let happen again
2.will take GMAT…and do what? good thought – but first things first
3.will spend more time reading…atleast a book a month
4.will keep the blog alive… some really cool ppl read this page
5.will spend more time at the gym…mmm tough one
6.will take some classes… maybe guitar? maybe tennis? maybe salsa?
7.will go back to beer…never shuda been unfaithful
8.will only do things that makes sense to me….sounds stupid?
9.will get drunk only with ppl i trust…just not worth it
10.will not take myself too seriously…god help me!

yeah yeah the last one is like an anticipatory bail i agree…:O)
here’s wishing ya’ll a freaking good year ahead! rock on!!

thank god...

2005-12-21T00:47:00.000-07:00

...theres only one of these left in the year...

whatz keeping me awake?

2005-12-15T17:07:00.000-07:00

now? its this
stuck at 19 for the last hour. quite addictive.

right things, wrong things - a whole load of crap?

2005-12-11T19:06:00.000-07:00

huge thing to think about. big scope. more questions than anything, coz for me, answers never solve anything, they just create more questions. crazy huh?

how do we know something-anything- is right or wrong? is it by comparing it with something? no, it cant be....coz then you should know for sure that that thing-the benchmark- is either right or wrong...and how do you know that? because someone has told you? or because its how somethings been done for ages - for ever - or watever? how would something be right or wrong just because someone-or a lot of people- say so? is there a way to prove it?

do you just feel that something is right or wrong? and then act on that feeling? what is that feeling based on? values? what if they are just vagaries of perception? how do we accept values as ours? coz we like the feeling? is it as simple as that? if its just that, wouldnt everyone have his or her own set of rights and wrongs? if that is the case, would there be anything in the world that is absolutely right or absolutely wrong? even laws wouldnt make sense then! aha!

or is it just a case of having a set of priorities? based on some convoluted logic, you decide, believe, swear on a set of priorities...and then say that anything that goes against is wrong? is that fair? isnt it more like not respecting another one? or is this a case for 'for each his own'? maybe i am going into too many things, but cant endorse either subjectivism or aynn rand alone here...believe in something and just go for it, yes. exist for your own sake, yes. but reality by consensus? no. what is the purpose of it all then, if you are just gonna act like a robot? bah!

did i just hear someone say 'grow up!'? if i'm an eternal skeptic, there are reasons to it. convince me.either way.

another boring read.

2005-11-28T17:58:00.000-07:00

yeah yeah the trip to himalayas is still on...but whilst I am still contemplating the big picture, I stumbled upon qatar cats list of things that made her happy…quite a simple list, yet very interesting…small things that make a big difference, albeit temporarily…n I guess thaz wat I need now…count my blessings? absolutely! So here goes, in no particular order – some random stuff that bring a smile:)

a smile. theres nothing as contagious i’ve ever known. even a smile from a stranger.
when I’ve made someone smile. i guess the best gift.
the beach. the sound of the waves. am totally enchanted by it. could listen to the waves forever.
holding hands while walking. holding hands while walking on a beach.
good music. its a long list, so wont go there.
singing along when no ones around.
a long stimulating chat. with anyone. on anything.
the color red. on a flower. on most things. on a dress. especially if its on a girl.
shopping. for me and for others. especially for others. spending in general.
getting mail. snail mail, email, any mail (even female –oh whatta hopeless pj…just cudnt resist it ;))
a good smell. of shampoo. or a candle. food. perfume. a new book. fresh coffee. always a turn on.
a good book.
no voice mails on the fone wen i step out for a while.
the thought that it’s a friday.
wearing something i really really like.
taking a good picture.
blogging. or writing in general. even letters. or emails.
a cold beer. even better a cold beer at a waterfront. have this thing for water.
a good game of tennis. win or lose.
long drives. game for traveling any day.
planning for a trip. in detail. and then not adhering to any.
when I hear N’s voice over the fone. just warms the heart.
a tight hug with someone close to me. amazing feeling. anywer anytime.
movie with frnds. however bad.
meetings that end early. nothing like some unplanned free time.
when someone prepares food for me. yummy or not.
a long hot shower. when music’s playing.
lazing around in the bed/couch listening to music. maybe a beer in hand
girls with long hair. or a beautiful smile. or a dimple. a tall girl.
watch a girl eat. or sing. or dance. watch a girl play with her hair.
the british accent. especially females. liz hurley in bedazzled n keira knightley in pride n prejudice almost killed me.
a fast car. especially if its red in color.
greenery. lotsa trees.
a trip to the hillside. especially if its cold.
yummy food. spicy n hot.
reading calvin n hobbes. or dilbert. luv those guys.
when someone says he/she has fallen in luv. I kno how that feeling is. and wat that does to u.
a long walk. especially when there is not a lot of noise.
a massage. pampering in general.
when someone really understands what I feel abt smthg. Its not that easy anymore.

…I guess there are lots more…but bleah…just got bored…till next time dearies :)

el paraíso mejicano

2005-11-21T18:18:00.002-07:00

last weekend, i got like thisss close to finding the flush knob on my head...the one which would send all the crazy thoughts whirling out to nowhere....even if its a temporary thing.....maybe i am exaggerating...maybe like all getaways, this one is also overrated....maybe i needed a break so badly....from the thoughts...thoughts that have no business anyway to bother me nag me irritate me....instead of making peace with them, i've been trying to hide and run away and all that...too busy to understand i guess...which in turn causes more heartburn...watta pitiful situ...

anyways the point is...we went to méxico....puerto penasco, otherwise known as the rocky point beach, 100-odd miles from the arizona mexico border.....the rocky point could easily be the nearest beach to us in phoenix...and from heat of arizona, it was nothing short of a paradise....the time was well spent para gliding over the water, riding on ATVs and almost getting killed doing crazy maneuvers on hillsides, eating unknown but interesting looking mejican seafood, pretending to be lazy seals on the shore, getting drunk on cocktails like there is no tomorrow and indulging ourselves in other more exotic pastimes which were typical to this beach town…

chk out the view from our hotel room...

there are a number of things which intrigued on the trip, but none more than the 'exotic' bit mentioned above ...girls...i'm not talking about the numerous biker babes who hung around….nude girls..in the many many bars on either sides of the main road….on open-top bigfoots on the road…giving lap dances…rather ‘table dances’ as they liked to call it…..the babes are ready to go to any extent…stopping only when you ask them to stop….its not like it was a red light area or anything…but then the place was so made for fun, and this was an integral part of what it had to offer….surely a big tourist attraction too…especially since the ‘services’ were dirt cheap…

got me thinking….i’ve been to many a gentleman’s club here in the US…mostly with the gang and we always have fun….and these places never give me a creepy feeling….until mexico happened….the receptionist at our resort recommended guau guau as the most decent club in town, where our female friends could also go…but then the experience inside that place… …twas quite something else..the dingiest ugliest and dirtiest joint I’ve ever been in, wow wow made me think…and I was sad….like something somewhere touched a raw nerve….like a wake up call…a rude awakening…

I don’t think I have anything against these clubs…mosta the gals here do it coz they wanna do it…n coz they njoy it…and not becoz somebodys forcing…but then y was I disturbed?….i’m kinda scared to think abt it…maybe the hypocrisy is showing? maybe the flush knob is still far from my reach? fuck

wenz my rendezvous?

2005-11-14T11:20:00.000-07:00

i've been pondering a trip to the himalayas or something...meet some sages -the really good ones-...talk to em ask em bully em coax em bribe em convince em to take me in as a disciple...no not for ever, but atleast for some time...just till i have enough...or get bored...whatever comes first..i kinda get jealous of these guys...they r so cool...that kinda self-actualization is really something to brag about....have you thought about it? cant help think how it would feel to be detached...from it all...no emotional dependency on anything or anyone...aint that quite something? a state of pure bliss? interesting thought huh?

but then, as for everything else, there are more questions...what does it really mean to be detached?...does it mean that you ignore atleast some of the feelings that come your way? wouldnt that mean being someone else? atleast for some time? would you like that? i'd like to think its more like soaking up every thought that comes your way...and being at peace with it....a state of harmony...equilibrium...no nagging thoughts no constant conflict in the mind.....the melee of the outside world just slows down to a soothening hum....like a fire test that cleanses you....pure joy...how cool is that?

wonder what it takes to reach there..how long does it take to get convinced that its the right thing? how do you know?...its not gonna b easy...again, its not everday that you get there...and not everyone(who wishes to be there) will make it...i guess the flush knob in the brain needs to work first...deep-six all the junk thoughts...the stray ones...the culprits....turn the filter on....no crowding in the brain...too much to ask huh? maybe...interesting thought anyways :)

the insatiable apetite...

2005-11-03T11:29:00.000-07:00

check the interesting event ;) below...are we really this bad? what does it take to be fully at peace with oneself? do we really need to be sages to attain that kind of realism? or maturity? or is it about self-assurance? guess its all the same...but then would it be boring and monotonous? oh well, how do i know!

There's this young single guy on a cruise ship, having the time of his life. On the second day of the cruise, the ship slams into an iceberg and begins to sink.Passengers around him are screaming, flailing, and drowning but our guy manages to grab on to a piece of driftwood, and using every lastounce of strength, swims a few miles through the shark-infested sea to a remote, deserted island.Sprawled on the shore nearly passed out from exhaustion, he turns his head and sees a woman lying near him, unconscious, barely breathing.She's also managed to wash up on shore from the sinking ship. He makes his way to her, and with some mouth-to-mouth assistance he manages to get her breathing again. She looks up at him, wide-eyed and grateful, "My God, you saved my life!"He suddenly realizes the woman is Cindy Crawford! Days and weeks go by. Cindy and our guy are living on the island together. They've set up a hut, there's fruit on the trees, and they're in heaven. Cindy's fallen madly in love with our man, and they're making passionate love morning, noon and night.Alas, one day she notices he's looking kind of glum. "What's the matter, sweetheart?" she asks, "We have a wonderful life together, I'm in love with you. Is there something wrong? Is there anything I can do?"He says, "Actually, Cin, there is. Would you mind, um, putting on my shirt?" "Uh, sure," she says, "if this will help." He takes off his shirt andshe puts it on."Now would you put on my pants?" he asks. "Sure, honey, if it's really going to make you feel better," she says. "Um, OK, would you put on my hat now, and draw a little moustache on your face?" he asks."Whatever you want, honey," she says, and does. Then he says, "Now, would you start walking around the edge of the island?" She starts walking around the perimeter of the island. He sets off in the other direction. They meet up halfway around the island a few minutes later. He rushes up to her, grabs her by the shoulders, and says,"Dude! You'll never believe who I'm banging!"

smile :)

2005-11-01T12:19:00.000-07:00

its amazing how such a small thing as wearing an "ethnic" (read kurta) dress to office makes it a happier day! (not to mention the lovely ladies in sarees)

Happy Diwali everyone :)

saying it without saying it...

2005-10-20T15:19:00.000-07:00

cliched topic. or thought. a much talked about and beaten to death thing actually. about values. and priorities. about age-old reasonings and changing approaches. not much of a discussion elsewhere, but very much an ongoing debate back home. stuff that sometimes question the way we think. about the levels of conservative behaviour in our culture. and our preparedness to think outside the box. about impending change.

its about family ties. the family legacy, which we all are frightened to tamper with, let alone lose. when the innate comfort zone is nurtured for years on end, we sometimes disinherit our capability to explore. and survive. a ghastly collage of abandonment, contempt and loneliness looms large on anyone who treads the alternate route. theres this collective effort to decimate such thoughts, so that the archaic rules stay intact. there is so much resistance to change.

no, this is not an objection to robust family ties. i'm all for people sticking together. we need each other. but sometimes, it grows to become much more than that. it becomes a chain, an entrapment of sorts. something that binds you to submission. even against your will. and then you feel helpless. the force becomes too large to oppose. it doesnt matter that you are convinced of the path you need to take. you cant. the chain holds you down. there are umpteen things to consider. like all these years. obligations.

its not easy when you know what to do and still cant do it. equivocal tactics. conversations that borderline emotional blackmail. a question of perspectives which has no right or wrong answer. a delicate balancing act. a no-win situation. considerations which land you in this mammoth dilemma. you risk everything. all kindsa alarm bells start to ring. a thousand thoughts clog your brain. you feel lost. you yearn for a sign somewhere. which doesnt come. constant pain rips your peace. bad situ.

all i have on my hands is time (yeah yeah thaz the most stupid line ever, but qualifies perfectly to the quandary i'm in). think. about priorities. how worthy is the big step? is it a point of no return? when push comes to shove, what am i gonna choose? how can i be sure i wont regret it later? tough times. tough questions. pray. hope.

the plot.

2005-10-16T21:39:00.000-07:00

the office is trying to kill me. dito most of the rest of the world. some kinda slow poison i guess. its sad wen i always feel like i need a break. wat am i running from? or trying to?

what it really means...

2005-10-06T12:51:00.000-07:00

"Everything that happens happens for good"

no, i am not going to object to the Gita. or watever. but then cant help think. abt all the implications of wat he said. abt wat this makes us think.
is it about destiny? a ruling that everything has been taken care of, and tho u dont understand crap now, its all for your good? or atleast believe that way and enjoy the beer?
or is it just abt doing ur thing and never worrying abt the consequences? like work your ass off for the full year and get appraised by a moron? or a moronic system, whatever be the case? do not expect anything to fall in place. however shitty it is, its for good.
maybe he was just trying to console us, yes? the omniscient trying to say smthg like 'dude, shit happens' in a very mild way? interesting thought huh?

dontyu think?

2005-10-03T15:21:00.000-07:00

mondays. i wonder who in the world devised these days. methinks its an inherent feeling in all humans -or even posers- to hate -no too mild a word LOATHE- mondays. the way you drag yourself up from the bed -i mean it aint the same any other weekday is it?- should b a definitive indication of how we should get rid of them. there is something amiss wen u wake up and ur first thought is "oh! no". every sunrise(or day, wenever it starts) should be met with a cheerful and bright countenance. and not with a lousy n grumpy one. its nothing short of an insult to the rest of of ur life wen u begin it with an unpleasant word. i mean, u gotta b positive dude. is there a way out? u bet. begin all office weeks from tuesday afternoons. just to be sure, u kno. that way the wretched term 'monday morning blues' will be no more. and we r even obliterating the chances of a 'tuesday morning slump' as well! and there will be no mourners i am sure. now you need to focus here, just think about all the good things ok? i assure you, tuesday afternoons will be just perfect to start your week. c'mon people. wer r ya'll going? hey..?

one to add to the flavour.

2005-09-29T14:58:00.000-07:00

"Is sloppiness in speech caused by ignorance or apathy? I don't know and I don't care."

the tussle.

2005-09-29T14:53:00.000-07:00

sometimes you have no choice. rather sometimes you fail to acknowledge choices. there is this one outcome that you are prepared to accept. and that is it. its more like being in a trance. like you feel bewitched. possessed by this strong urge to tread the road lesser taken. even if it might lead to vulnerability and eventually a disastrous heartbreak. even if something inside tells you its foreordained. an irrevocable outcome, that you fight, mostly in vain. because somewer deep deep inside, you knew. it wouldnt work. or maybe there aint that level of confidence. that knowledge. which has nothing to with intrepidity of course, which is aplenty. but you wouldnt let go. you dont want to concede to yourself that its over. you drag it. painful by painful day. you question yourself. what if. what if you are wrong? aint love enough? wouldnt everything else fall in place? shouldnt they? but then theres that flicker of a doubt. which is the real culprit. rather the only one. so the tussle continues...

whottaquote!

2005-09-27T14:29:00.000-07:00

" If It Is To Be, It Is Up To Me "